You don't have to hang around me too long to know that I have one big fear. Not the "ew, gross" kind, but the heart stopping, crippling kind.
I joke about it often, but I was reminded this morning how much this fear has hold of my life, and if I'm not careful, can often become a daily hinderance, and in this new season of living, could be a large obstacle in the way of God's mission for Brandon and me.
Today, one of my biggest fears was realized... something I often laugh about and say, "If this ever happens, I would...".
Well it happened.
About 5 minutes from my house this morning, and out of the corner of my eye, I see legs. I'm at a stop light, so I look up, and sure enough there it is. RIGHT above me. It was fast, and it wasn't tiny (granted, it wasn't large either, but the speed more than compensated for the lack of size!). Of course, as soon as I realized what it was, the light turned green.
My heart is racing, I can't take my eyes of the visor, I'm terrified to touch my steering wheel and everything in my body wants to jump out of the car and run for my life. Each time I moved my hands, it would disappear, and then rear it's ugly little face. Terror. I literally begin to feel nauseated.
I make it across the intersection and pull into the CVS parking lot (quite crooked because I couldn't bring myself to put my hands all the way on the steering wheel) and I slide out of my car and fumble to grab my phone amidst my insanity.
A 25 year old woman, almost in tears, hyperventilating in the parking lot, for no good reason. Thank goodness it wasn't busy, or I really would have been embarrassed. To make matters worse, I did eventually have to get back in the car to go to work, although at this point I would have rather walked the 65 miles to Tennille.
But, that wasn't an option. So I grabbed a napkin. A NAPKIN. Yeah RIGHT! But before I totally lost it, I grabbed this little snapshot...
THIS ladies and gentlemen is the face of my fear.
I don't know what it is. It's not just a normal 'I don't like bugs'. I am literally affected to my inner being by the sight of spiders. It is a fear I don't experience with anything else in my life. And I was reminded today that this fear has quite a hold over me. To be 25 years old and literally screaming and jumping in public trying to kill this thing is absurd. Embarrassment and maturity aside... fear is not something we as Christians are supposed to live with. Especially not to the extent that it cripples you so severely you can't think straight!
Our fears are all so different. This may be comical to you and you're probably thinking, 'it's just a spider, and a small one at that', but for 20 minutes this morning, this spider was bigger than any anaconda, more ferocious than any lion, blacker than the depths of the darkest night, and more threatening than an intruder in your home.
I am so tired of being afraid. I am reluctant to sit on the ground and I'll probably look behind my visor for the next 2 weeks before I get in the car. I need your prayers. Because this problem is not something I can overcome on my own. I can laugh it off now, and sit in my little townhouse with my can of bugspray, but in 4 months, I won't have that luxury. Not to mention, they don't make small spiders in Africa...lol.
I want to experience all that God has in store for Brandon and me, and I don't want to be consumed by a fear that everywhere I put my hand, or each time I put my shoes on, or feel something in the dark, the visions of legs and webs pop into my head.
The only thing I want to be consumed with is the fire of the Holy Spirit, the love of God and the Gospel of our Savior. My God is King over my fear, I know he can help me overcome this.
Thank you for loving me, fears and all!
PS... I did eventually kill the spider; 4 good screams, a shoe and 20 minutes later :)
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