I know who I am, I know who I've been, and I know I'm ever changing and trying to line my life up with the woman God wants me to be. But it's easy to forget how wretched I was. It's easy to forget how much grace has been gifted to me. It's so easy to forget because I am surrounded by people that love me, and that appreciate me, and that tell me how wonderful I am, which is great! But at the same time, if I lose sight of who I was without Christ, and forget that who I am and who you see me as is not me at all- but Christ himself - then what have I learned from it all?
I believe God allows us to go through things and to do things for a reason, and it became exceedingly clear to me after a wonderful talk with my mom and a few verses she shared with me.
2 Corinthians 12:6-10
"Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassing great revelations. Therefore in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
God is sovereign over every aspect of my life. While he did not cause me to do the horrible things I've done, it is for his Glory that He chooses to forgive me for those things, and in such mercy and grace, His power is revealed. I have been forgiven, so I do not carry the guilt, or the pain, or the shame of any of my sins. But if I forget those things, what have I learned? Not only do I forget who I am when I'm acting out the selfish desires of 'my life', but I also forget who He is and the magnitude of what he's done for me.
I have allowed myself to sweep my past mistakes under the rug, and honestly, I haven't done it purposefully or in any way to 'hide' what I've done. But like I said, it's so easy to forget when you're loving and enjoying the life God has given you, that the cost and the path to this happiness gets lost. There is a beautiful song by Point of Grace called "heal the wound but leave the scar". The lyrics have new meaning for me know, because every time I've sung this song I honestly think of other people - which is strange - but for a singer who tries to fill each song with purpose and meaning, it's what I do sometimes to be sure the song has emotion and the message is portrayed. This is probably because I have always thought that my testimony of salvation wasn't 'interesting' enough. That I could bring more emotion to the song when I take the amazing testimony of my mom and think of how much God brought her through and how many people she has been able to touch and council simply because of the 'thorns' God has placed in her life! And how beautifully and majestically God is Glorified when she shares her testimony to people who only see her gifts, her talents and her beautiful family - that God has redeemed her from so much, and that no one is perfect, save Christ.
I haven't allowed myself to have a beautiful testimony, because it has been easier to just accept the forgiveness and forget about the purpose of the thorns and scars. It was easier to put on the missions application and to tell our pastor that, "Well, I've always known Jesus, but haven't always followed Him, but now I'm back on track." But that isn't what my past was intended for. That wasn't the purpose of God allowing me to fall into temptation and wallow in a selfish, pleasure-seeking world for so many years. That wasn't why he has changed my heart and allowed me to experience the amazing feeling of forgiveness, freedom from the bondage of guilt and shame, of unconditional love and restoration - only to keep my mouth shut!
So many of you have seen me or have known me at my worst. You have heard me say things or seen me do things that make it impossible to understand why I am who I am today - or maybe you think I'm being fake. But on the other hand, so many of you have never seen me at my worst, and have only seen my best. You may think I've always been 'good' and never made mistakes, that I've never felt worthless and disgusting, that I've never sold my body to sin, that I've never hated myself and been too ashamed to even look in the mirror; that I've never struggled with temptation, that my family is perfect and untouched from sorrow, that I've never had doubts, or wondered if I was even worth saving - if I could ever be useful to a God I had ignored, slandered, betrayed, made a mockery of, completely abandoned...
But I have. You may or may not see me either of these ways. But if you do, know this. I am NOT perfect. I am NOT faking. I have NOT ever been 'good'. I have NOT forgotten that I may have gossiped about you, that I may have ignored you or hurt your feelings, that you have seen me drunk, that I was a 'tease' and 'boy crazy', that I used to cuss like a sailor while going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. I have NOT forgotten who I was, and who I still am without Christ in my life. But I have been forgiven for those things. I have been freed from the guilt and shame when I look backward, which has allowed me to love and to serve and to live in a way that I can move forward without chains to weigh me down. I still don't know all the answers, I still mess up, but God has changed my heart. I don't want to just 'Go through the motions', and I don't want to forget where God pulled me from - because if I do, than he is so much less glorified through my life, and the last 25 years have all been for naught.
I am free. I am loved. I am forgiven, but these thorns are here on purpose - to remind me of who I am when I take the reigns from Jesus and how much I need him to lead me. To show you how MUCH God can forgive you and how BEAUTIFUL he can make your heart if you allow him to. How incredible it feels to look at a horrendous act of sin and not feel one ounce of shame because that is NOT who I am anymore. That no matter what you've done and who you've been - God can restore you and you will be useful (trust me.. if he can use me, he can definitely use you!). Your life and your past cannot go wasted, either forgotten by forgiveness or tormented by guilt and shame, because if you stay in either of those places, you do not allow God to change you OR the people around you.
My testimony has a lot of embarrassing parts, and I will have to get used to saying them out loud. But I won't have to think about anyone else when I sing this incredible song. Because my life is beautiful, and it's only because of Christ. And when I show you how weak I am - I pray that you will see how strong our God truly is.
I love you all - and if I have ever wronged you or mislead you by my broken witness, shortcomings and failures, please forgive me. I am a work in progress, continually learning and being molded by our creator. Remember, it isn't what we do or don't do that saves us --- It is only Jesus.
"heal the wound" written and originally recorded by Point of Grace, recorded and sung live on this recording by Sally Lewis.
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